Image from: celoxdesign.net
Most of the time, people take me for a pretty happy-go-lucky kind of lady. I smile, talk to strangers, and appreciate the beauty of the world around me. If I didn’t mention it, all by those closest to me would be fooled by my mask of “having it all together.” Of course, below the surface, we’re all fallen. Our masks are all cracked–some more than others. Still, few would peg me as one of those depressed, anxious, traumatized types. Passionate, yes. Driven, yes. Intelligent, yes. Terrified, sad, feigning enjoyment, no.
Herein lies the rub, I want to be honest with people about my struggles–from my swollen arthritic knees to my seasonal affect disorder, but I don’t want people to judge me by what’s wrong with me. I don’t want others to question my ability or my talent because some days I *don’t* have it all together. So, how does one maintain professional integrity while writing from the heart? I suppose I could craft a secret identity, like Spider-Man, and engage others with my angst all the while wearing red spandex (figuratively, not literally. Believe me, no one wants to see me sporting red spandex.) Or I could be guarded separating my thoughts into two spaces–a personal blog (Atypical Musings) and a professional blog (Backseat Writer). Still, how open do I want to be on Atypical Musings? Surely, everything I share here will be connected to my other work. Do I want that? Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
The truth is–I don’t know. I think back to my interview with Bebo Norman, who was so forthcoming in sharing his struggles with pre-performance anxiety (read interview, “Bebo Norman:: From the Ruins“). I remember meeting him face to face before a show for the first time a few months later. As I briefly chatted with Bebo, I wondered if he was OK. I wanted to tell him that if he needed to do some deep breathing, I was here for him. We could try some relaxation techniques together. He seemed fine. Fine for someone I don’t know. His performance was wonderful–no sign of anxiety at all. Was his mask cracked or had he worked through the anxiety entirely? (During the interview, he told me he had been treating his anxiety and making great progress.)
Another mystery to ponder. It really doesn’t matter what Bebo was feeling at the time because he came across as a professional, while admitting that anxiety was a huge struggle for at least part of his touring life. He even said it was easier to talk about since the symptoms of his anxiety had greatly diminished, yet he couldn’t talk about it during the worst episodes. But he wondered if he should have been “more real” about it. Frankly, that interview, which was to promote his newly released album has been one of the most encouraging conversations of my life.
It’s hard to be open about depression, anxiety, and the like, especially as a woman (since the fairer sex seems to judged on its emotionality). I’ll keep asking God for wisdom in writing as I continue on this journey called “life.”
